How to: Survive a Zombie ApocalypseApril 1, 2018
As we all know, the Zombie Apocalypse is imminent. It’s important that we prepare to at least attempt to survive it. If you live in or around Marion County, this is how you can use our resources to increase your chances of surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.
Preparation Phase 1: Training
Start out at Kerri’s Korner Bookstore and Comic Paradise Plus and get some helpful literature. Get your comics: 28 Day Later, I am Legend, Can you Survive the Zombie Apocalypse?, Preparedness 101: Zombie Pandemic, among many others.
Get your books: Cell by Stephen King, Virus by Sakyo Komatsu, The Rising by Bryan Keene, On the Far Side of the Cadillac Desert with Dead Folks by Joe R. Lansdale, The Dead by Mark E. Rogers, World War Z and of course The Zombie Survival Guide both by Max Brooks.
Start getting in shape. Main Street Yoga will improve your core strength and peace of mind even as the end of the world approaches. Cardio is equally important. Get out on the rail trails and in the state parks. Learn to ride a bike at Pricketts Fort, hike the hills at Valley Falls and run the trails. This not only gets you in shape, but it gives you a head start at knowing alternative routes of escape.
ATR Performance is where the preparation gets real. It’s an indoor shooting range.
Once you get the hang of it, get outside at Dent’s Run shooting range. When it comes down to it, outside is more than likely where you’ll need these skills.
In addition to working out, start eating well. Health Naturally provides health assessments, supplements and groceries. Many of their supplements are, as you guessed, natural. So start learning which flower, grass or plant heals what ailment. You just might need to make your own supplements when the time comes.
Gaming Till Dawn might not sound like a great way to prepare for a real life apocalypse, but hear me out. Games played today are all about strategy, which is what you’ll need in the end. Get your brain working that way now so quick planning comes a bit easier when your life depends on it.
The Telephone Museum gives a glimpse of old time communication. See where I’m going with this? Take a tour now because even a remedial understanding of (what were once) bygone eras is better than nothing when cell phones and WiFi are wiped out.
And so the countdown begins. Keep your eye not only on the universal Doomsday Clock, but watch your own. Curiosity Clockworks has enormous (and normal size) grandfather clocks to mark the moments of impending doom and keep the necessity of preparation top of mind.
Preparation Phase 2: Stockpile
Hunting and fishing supplies at Main Street Trader will help you protect yourself and provide ways to secure food.
When that apocalypse begins, say goodbye to your GPS. Stock up on county maps, state maps, rail trail maps, anything you can get. Marion County Visitors Center has quite a few maps.
Creekside Country Market is an Amish style bulk food store. Get hard candies like peppermint for nausea, lemon for dry mouth, and any hard candy you want to stave off a cough. Pack spices, rice, flour, beans and cereals. (Skip the deli. Refrigerated food probably won’t keep well sans refrigeration.)
Although Stone Tower Joe coffee is considered a treat now, it will most definitely be considered a treat then. (‘Then,’ of course referring to the apocalypse.) But there’s a good chance it will last a while. And by ‘it,’ I mean the coffee grounds, so it wouldn’t be a bad decision to stockpile it.
Preparation Phase 3: Survival Kit
Per the CDC,
- Water (1 gallon per person per day)
Speedway Market is where you can get West Virginia spring water and seeds, you know, for when the apocalypse is over and we need to eat.
- Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
Health Naturally stocks Amazing Grass protein bars which are made with tons of vegetables. Buy and learn about vegetables at Prickett’s Fort (and get the lay of the land) at the Heirloom Plant Sale.
- First Aid Supplies and Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
Riders Pharmacy is the place for all of these.
- Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
- Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
- Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few). Copies can be made at the UPS Store.
- Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
Savvy Consignment has all styles of clothing and footwear for really great prices. It’s really nice clothing so it’s sad to see it stuffed in a go-bag and used for the end of the world. But at least you’ll look good stabbing zombies in the neck with your nails. (Don’t worry that sentence is about to make sense.)
If we have the luxury of knowing just how soon the apocalypse will hit, get your nails done. No, I’m not kidding. Get them done sharp at Tuscan Sun Spa.
Church is probably a good idea to attend at least one more time before the end.
And finally, before all joy is taken and we must be grateful for each breath we take, enjoy your last meal. Pick well and savor every bite.
Go Italian for your last meal at Muriale’s.
Have your bread bowl and eat it, too before they no longer exist at Aquarium Lounge.
Enjoy Cajun before the end of the world at Backwoods at the Belmont.
Preparation Phase 4: The Plan
Woods Boathouse. This is where you can get a life jacket and, well, a boat. I could be wrong, but I don’t think zombies can swim. A boat might be the best way to stay safe while traveling to refugee sites.
Rail Trails. Remember when you got in shape? Use these little known escape routes that connect throughout and out of state. We don’t know where refugee camps will be set up, but let’s hope it’s where our trails connect.
Pricketts Fort. There’s not much that needs to be said for this one. It’s a fort. It was designed and built to handle attacks. (Plus it’s path connects to the rail trails.)
Illusive Skull Costume Castle. As of yet, zombies do not exist. On the off chance they’re able to tell who is the undead by appearance, get some makeup. You better try to look real dead.
Woodlawn Cemetery (and all other cemeteries for that matter). No one really knows how the apocalypse is going to go down. Maybe it will be like I Am Legend and there’s no reason to fear the already dead becoming the undead. But maybe, that will be wrong. To be on the safe side, just avoid the dead.
Marion County Historical Society might be a good place to go to during the preparation stage for historical background of life frightening events. But when it comes right down to it and zombies are coming forth, avoid it. There are probably ghosts there and we don’t know how ghosts really play into the end of the world.
The Poky Dot’s servings are just too massive. They’ll slow you down. Plus, we’re getting healthy, remember? We’re going to outrun the zombies and/or kill them dead.
Little Red Hen has cinnamon rolls and sticky buns that will also slow you down. However, the meals there are proportioned just right, so indulge in that. Same with Noteworthy Sweets: avoid the sweets, but the meals are OK.
All of the monuments and statues are all out in the open for everyone to see. You’d be an easy target. So enjoy history now before you yourself become it.
Assumption Records. We will probably lose most of our technological advancements, so record players could ironically end up being the music of the future. However, as you’re trying to survive, there’s no reason to carry them with you.
Our Country Corner, and Marion County for that matter, is filled with lovely decorations like vintage store and farm signs and stained glass lamps and burlap pillows with motivational sayings and generally unnecessary items for the end of the world. Think about it. You’re not going to be toting things, valuables or mementos around in your car. Let’s face it, fuel will not be easy to find. I doubt you’ll be able to carry any incredibly and locally made products on your bike. Minimalism is the way to go.
So that’s it. These are the foreseeable ways in which Marion County can help prepare you for the Zombie Apocalypse. We hope you survive, but more than that, we hope we survive.